Monday, October 31, 2005

Ice Cream

(Special guest contributor Olivia) Hey, I love ice cream! Like, last week I totally skipped Curves and stayed home all week and watched movies. And you know, sometimes a girl has to treat herself! I've been sooo good with my diet lately you guys, and so I really deserved it. Nothing better then some ice cream, some Tivo'ed Desperate Housewives, and a big bowl of ice cream!

ice cream- A+!!


God help me I love me some MmmBop. Where is Hanson now? Why, they released a new album under their own label that reached #1 on Billbord's Independent charts. Nice work! They are totally touring and making music on their own dime. Screw The Man! Right in the butt! So, yeah, I'm happy for them.

Hanson's longevity despite how crappy it is to work in the music industry- A-

Friday, October 28, 2005

White Sox

Now I don't give a shit about sports. Not one iota. But you guys, I'm seriously in ground zero for the ticker tape parade for the White Sox. I watched the parade from my desk! That's so neat! I'm a big fan of ticker tape.

Sports- C
Ticker tape parades- A+
all the tube top wearin', merit smoking trash lined up right outside my building- A

Thursday, October 27, 2005


im sick of this theme. Im looking foreword to the new nintendy console and i freaking love my DS. ok, back to my regular blog.

2001 -- Pikmin

This game is a real time stradegy war game for Gamecube, but instead of soldiers and tanks and whatnot, you control an army of adorable little plant/animal things. They are so cute! And its so sad when the get eaten or drown. Love love love this game.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Y2K -- The lame years are almost over

'Member what a bust Y2K was? Nothing happened. Ok, so I didn't like any of the consoles between the 16 bit era and our current consoles. The 3d graphics even then were either jaggy and ugly (Playstation) or anti-aliased to the point of schmeary nothing (N64). Nothing seemed to capture the fun of the 2-D goodness I grew up with, and everyone ditched 2-D completely to make jenky 3-D stuff that looked all naxty and thangs. It won't be until 2001 when my interest in gaming will come back. With this guy:

mm, cheap, powerfull and fun. Like me. Except for the power part. Its like a needy friend who just wants to please and delight you. I love you Gamecube. You f'ed up the online stuff, but frankly, I wasn't really ready for that anyway. Xbox is for Cheetoh handed Bawls slurping nerds, Playstation was for misogynist 'za eating bro-hans, and then, there was Gamecube. Gamecubers actually have lives. Not to generalize or anything.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

1999 -- Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (ok, it came out in '98, but whateves)

Picture it. Chicago. Spring 2001. My roommate finds a sopping wet irish boy during a spring shower named Cairan under the awning of Manhole. She brings him in for some reason. I was playing Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and the first thing he said is "ohhh, the legend of zehhhlda, thahts meh fevrit gahme". Then we dated for the summer. It was totally romantic and awesome and we would go skinny dipping and drink wine in Lake Michigan and be totally gross in public. Then he moved back to Ireland in the fall. Then he came back like 8 months later and was all weird and didn't want to hang out and I was kind of heart broken. What's that about? Turns out he's kind of trashy and nast anyway. So it all works out.

1998 -- Spice World

I saw the movie opening night, purchased (purchased!!! this was pre-Napster) the CD, and had pencils and suckers and all kinds of Spice girls shit. I thought it was funny. It occurs to me now that all these irony-purchases are probably 98% of their sales.
To complete their world domination and to milk the shit out of the almost spent cash cow they liscensed their name to a really crappy Playstation game. This was the summer of Mario Paint Porn and The Napkin Chair. I don't remember a) how we aquired said game (did I actually buy this, or did I rent and not return?) and b) how you actually play it. This is probably on account of all the a) Long Island Ice Teas and b) pitchers of Labatt's that were poured down my gullet at our favorite bar called The Peanut Barrel right near our place. Also, eating mushrooms, snorting ritalin, and splashing around in fountains on the campus of MSU leaves some of the details a bit shakey.

1997 -- Final Fantasy

I played this game and like it all right. FF2 for SNES was more fun for me. Whateves. I'm so meh about Playstation. I find most of the games really drab and the loading times kill me and the textures are all jaggy. I played the shit out of Bust a Move though. that game rocks.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

1996 -- A year after I was deflowered

Hey, I "became a man" via sexual intercourse (i got did in the butt) in 1995. I forgot to write about that. Then this year ('96) my mom died. Makes a boy grow up fast these two events.

Monday, October 17, 2005

1995 -- Tetris Attack

I played the shit out of this in college. No one could beat me. Because I ruled.

1994 -- Earthbound

This game rocked. I didn't get it until 1999, and I was completely charmed.
Um, you guys, my friend Charlie got drugged while in NYC this weekend. Someone just slipped him some G in his 14 dollar red bull and vodka. Charlie's friend James was there to take care of him, and he puked out of a cab on the way back to the hotel. He's ok. Shew! Come home Charlie!

Friday, October 14, 2005

1993 Kirby

Kirby's first and only NES outting was 93 in Kirby's Adventure. He goes on to be in a bajillian other games for Gameboy, Gameboy Advance, DS, SNES, blar blar blar. OK, the best part of Kirby is in Smash Bros Melee for Gamecube, quite possibly the best game ever. He's super floaty so he never falls off the platform, he has a wicked Dumbell move, and best of all he can suck other charactors in his mouth and appropriate their powers... wait, no the best part is sucking them in and then lumbering off the edge of a platform and commiting the Double Kirby Suicide. You have to play this game to know what I'm talking about, but its so delicious to suck in Princess and just slowly walk off the side killing you both. Your friends will totally hate you the 5 jillianth time you've done it and if you get struck in the jugular with a gamepad, you totally deserve it. Also, Kirby's taunt is so grating. He looks right at the screen and waves and sounds a little bit like a Smurf getting castrated. Its so great.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

1992-- Mario Paint!

Mario Paint was all kinds of fun. When I first got it when I was 15! awe! all gay and young and stuff. I didn't take advantage of all the MP possibilitis for about another 5 years when my friends and I would get drunk and make Mario Paint Porn and cackle. We had a Lay-Z-Boy chair that we called "Napkin Chair" because we would just wipe our hands on it. It was kind of nast. We had a good 30 minutes of a VHS tape of it that we would play for guests. Nothing gets a party revved up like seing a crudely rendered penis cumming onto some big hastily drawn tits. A few years after MP Porn I made a video to Cher's Dark Lady. That was pretty funny too.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

1991 -- Barbie whores herself

The 16-bit era was here, and the 8-bit consoles were heaving their collective sweaty cleave in a desperate last gasp to makes some money. Barbie for the NES was one of those games back-alley aborted into the hands of unlucky girls (and stoner gay men in college). You play "Math is hard!" Barbie as she falls asleep and has these wicked bad acid trips where her very own loves turn against her. Tubes of lipstick and high heels go after her like Jody Foster on a pool table, and then between levels you're treated to "cinema" cut "scenes' where the bitch is all dolled up talking about how fucking tired she is. Confusting to say the least. And kind of awesome.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

1990 Dr. Mario

My friend Malia kicks all kinds of ass in this game. She is unbeatable. In college she would pause a game, go to class, and come back and continue playing. I don't think her NES in college actually ever turned off. If there was a national competition, I woul put money down on her cracking the top ten. Also, she has a really hot ass and enjoys spanking me. I miss her. I also miss her cold hard unforgiving smack of her hand upon my ass. We also do a special thing called "Credit Card" which involves sliding the side of your hand up a person's ass crack (w/pants on). And the double Credit Card (two hands, two ass cracks), also known as the Balance Inquirey.

1989, Altered Beasts turns me gay.

Ok, ok, this game didn't turn me gay. That honor goes to Donna Summer doing the robot to the song I Feel Love when I was a toddler. But this game was right there in my formitive years of budding gayness.

You grab these blue orbs, getting more and more ripped and muscular and hot until you reach a breaking point and transform into your true identity.

1988 SMB 2

I'm getting tired of this theme. And I still have 17 years to go. So, Im 11 in 1988 and I waste many an hour on Super Mario Bros 2, which is an Americanized version of game called Doki Doki Panic (Doki Doki is a Japanese otomotopia for the beating of your heart in a panic situation, thus meaning something like panic panic). It had a middle eastern theme, and that's why it looks nothing like any other mario game. I have no idea what I did as an 11 year old. I was on a swim team. I'm looking forword to 1995, the year my cherry was popped. But that's not for another 7 posts.

1987 - Rapetastic!

Mike Tyson's Punch Out was released for the NES this year. This was obviously before he was convicted of rape, and bit off that one guy's ear and whatnot. After he was convicted, Nintendo changed the name to Punch Out and the final match was with "Mr. Dream". Lame. They should've made a new plot where Tyson rapes Princess Peach and she trains J-Lo style, like in Enough, and goes and just kicks the shinola out of him. That would've rocked. Nintendo, call me, I've got millions of these ideas.
"I've had ENOUGH!"

Monday, October 10, 2005

1986 -- 'roids

There was a "shocking" end to this game where you find out the hero of this game is actually a chick. Which sounds like a great leap of feminism, unless you were really good at metroid and could complete it under a certain amount of time and were treated to a half naked Samus.

Nice jugs.
[update: here she is even more nakeder.]

Is that Alanis Morrisette? In the video Thank U?

Friday, October 07, 2005

Tetris- девятнадцать восемьдесят-пять

Some Russian dude under the flickering florescent lights, drippy ceiling, and near freazing temperatures with only sips of borcht and vodka to sustain him, created Tetris.
Ever play it to the point where you see Tetris patterns everywhere?

Tiempo para los burgers. 1984

Colecovision. The cool kids had Colecovision. I did not own said console. Draw your own conclusions here.

Colecovision had a really good home version of Burgertime. Burgertime is a game where you run around on platforms and create huge-ass sandwiches. The biggest sandwiches I ever done seen!! Also? There's giant condiments chasing after you. Pickles, sausages, and eggs chase you. Pickles makes sense. And I'm even down with the eggs (I think the British put eggs on their burgers... gotta try that), but sausages? That just seems like too much meat competing. So, yeah, you're making these huge sandwiches and the only weapon you have is pepper bursts which make your enemies sneeze. There's nothing more satisfying than getting an egg/pickle/sausage man to sneeze and making a piece of the sandwich drop from under it. God damn anthropomorphic foodstuffs can go to hell.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

1983 -- birth of the porno game

This is the Atari 2600's Custer's Revenge-

You guide a nakey General Custer across a screen of incoming arrows in order to get to the other side and rape a Native American. I'm not even joking. You can tell he's naked and horney because of his pixilated junk, and you can clearly just barely kind of make out the woman's tits and feather headdress. I bet some pervs wanked to this.
I like to imagine some rec room with shag carpeting and Cher's Half-Breed 45 (The Way of Love is the b-side) repeating over and over as some gay closeted teen is playing, but instead of being General Custer he pretends to be Bob Macky coming over to fix some sequins that fell off of Cher's gown. Someday I'll get out of this hellhole town. Someday.


This was my very first gaming system, the Commodore 64 released in '82 (we got ours about a year later). Mmm, so beige. Beige was the color of technology in the 80's. It had a big 5 1/4 inch floppy drive, back when floppy disks litteraly were floppy. Like a hooker's tit floppy. From what I remember, the C-64 had little to no copywrite protection (you could physically put a piece of tape over a little notch in the disk to make it copy-able) so we had a shit-ton of games for this thing. My brother and his friends all swapped disks and many of them were unlabeled so half the fun was figuring out what was on them and then loading them up and seeing what they were. There were a few standouts that sucked many hours of my youth, like Impossible Mission (with a scary sampled voices "Another visitor... stay a while... stay forever!", and a blood curdling "aaaaaAAAAH!" when you get zapped by a robot or fall into a pit). Our disk drive eventually died and the C-64 went into a closet and was never seen or heard from again.

'81 - Donkey punched

Nintendo creates Donkey Kong in 1981. I was 4. What do kids do when they are 4? Eat and cry a lot. I want kids someday if I make a lot of money.

Donkey Kong is so great. Im a huge Nintendo gay-wad. If I have kids I will totally get my kids vintage nintendo games. They'll be all "daaaad, this is totally like lame and stuff, lets play Playstation 5", and then I'll wonder for a moment if it really is lame. I mean, why is there a random construction site with barrels? What's in the barrels? Can't we just shoot the Ape with a sedative? Why can't that bitch just get down herself? Why am I in a pie factory all of a sudden? And then I'll hear the opening ominous chords when Josephine is carried to the top of the girders and all I'll be focused on is getting that damn dirty ape's hands off of her.
fun fact!: The hero was originally called Jumpman and was based on a janitor that worked for Nintendo. He is later named Mario and they make eleventy jillian games and merchandise the fuck out of him.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005


Pacman was originally going to be called Puckman, but Midway was afraid vandals would add an "f". Awesome. I'd totally play Fuckman. The first time I played I tried and tried to get into the ghost cage, which was kind of retarded.
I had a Pacman mattress. A mattress people. You know they are merchandising the fuck out of something when you can buy the mattress.

shakedown 1979

Oh Billy.... Ok, so here we are 1979. Just a year after the monochromatic Space Invaders (I have a Spice Girl b-side called Spice Invaders from the Spice Up Your Life single, which isn't so much a b-side so much as the spicy gals saying random rubbish and being "cheeky" over a generic studio beat, but I digress), so yeah a year after S.I. comes the first fully color RGB game called Galaxian.

You're killing all these space bugs like in the hit film Starship Troupers except without Denise Richards. I love it when she wears glasses and is "smart". The sequel, Galaga, comes along a couple years later and has that feature where you can double your fire power. The first time I played Galaga I didn't know you had to have ships on reserve and after my ship got sucked up it was game over and that sucked so much ass.


So in 1978 (i was a wee little larvae of this hot man sandwich you see today) some Japanese guy pooped out the Orson Wellesian Space Invaders.

9 years later I played it in the greasy basement of a pizza parlor. The version I used was monochrome because it didn't have the original film overlay to simulate color. I can still hear the bassy thumps as those fuckers get closer and closer to you. The programmers kept the "bug" that made them get faster and faster (the fewer aliens on screen the less processing power it takes to make them move, ergo faster aliens every time you pick one off).

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Hey I'm back!

Whew! I had the flu for the past 4 days or so and to celebrate my first solid BM, lets take a stroll down video game alley and look at some fun stuff that came out for every year I've been alive. Starting with 1977. Here she is, the Atari 2600 which retailed for a whopping $250 (which according to my calculations, factoring in inflation, was a shitload of money).

Mmm, that fake wood grain paneling is soo sweet (btw, that is going to be the new hot fad in electronics-- natural casings; i need a wood grained ipod stat). The Atari 2600 was wildly popular and the shit-taco game E.T. is allegedly responsible for its downfall because it was so bad. There is some landfill that is rumoured to be filled with the suckers.
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